“I had never seen someone so sad”
I heard that once about somebody else,
but it felt as if it was said to me.
I wonder if there’s a symphony inside everyone else,
of broken dreams and standing hopes,
maybe more a battle than a symphony.
I heard somebody said about me the opposite:
You are full with a spark of positivity.
My better half has identified as bubbly.
I do see the truth of that in my person,
while this very painful feeling coexists too.
I won’t even dare to complain about it,
it does make my sensitivity for life arouse.
Is it that I must accept pain and surrender to feeling it?
I used to hear that a lot while prepping mentally to deliver my son into the world.
When the time came for him to open up my bones,
and my soul,
while I was trying to surrender,
keep a breathing pace,
and follow the instructions of when and how to push,
I must say:
I couldn’t surrender.
The pain overtook me,
not by my own will but by its intensity.
There was this one moment thou,
I cannot forget,
it’s still viv
where I saw myself flinching back of pain,
not fighting it or resisting it,
just feeling it,
letting it take possession over me.
I cannot say it was a relief,
I can say thou
it was empowering.
I saw myself overcoming the most intense experience I had ever lived.
In the other hand,
the love that having my son has brought me
has also required surrendering,
claming everyday more territory,
taking possession of more of me.
The complexity of feelings on top of feelings,
has opened dimension after dimension of life.
It has not been sudden like the pain of labor, it has not stroked all me at once,
it’s been as gradual as possessive.
For both experiences there’s been stretching,
I am grateful for that.
Looking at my life expanding is a honor for me,
because I have not been in control of anything,
I‘ve had to surrender.
So when I think of the pain and joy that live in me, I can just feel at peace.