Negativism Is Making My Pictures Smiling, Fake

I see this beautiful picture days before getting married, and I can´t but remember the disconnection from love that I was feeling.



There I was, with my love, on a photo session, capturing pictures of couple´s love, joy and affection, days from committing our lives to each other and God, and I was feeling like a faker.


I was all the way at that point, feeling the desire and willingness to experience life with my partner, but still, there were other sensations keeping me from that full on love I so wanted.


 

The disconnection I felt had nothing to do with my circumstances, even less with my partner. This was about years of negative patterns in my person.


At that moment I was clueless of what would it take to actually access pure, never ending, always increasing committed love. I was clueless that was even an option.



And let me just clarify, it is not that there wasn´t love already in us and around us, there was, and was plentiful, that was not the problem.


The problem are all of the other negative thoughts, emotions, desires, sensations that I was operating on constantly. I had sort of accepted them as part of my being and they were the boss of me.


I am not saying that having negativism engraved in us isn´t normal, it is indeed normal, that is the norm, we are here, constantly being fed of pain, fear, and pride.


But beware to believe that is not possible to break free from all of that negativism manipulating you, robbing you from experiencing ever lasting, always exciting, strength building, life.


Although the pictures reflect love, I was not operating on love at that moment, I know because love doesn't have pride, nor fear, nor dissatisfaction; love is, by nature a force that is willing to go to any length to satisfy the loved one.


-I was definitely allowing that to be blocked without any knowledge, but that´s what I was doing.


So I ask:


What am I operating on, right now?

Is it anxiety what has authority over me in this moment?

Is it pride?

Sometimes, without realizing, we can be like poppets, manipulated by all sorts of forces. I´m anxious: I eat.
I´m feeling pressured: I shout at people.
I´m hungry: I eat.
I´m stressed: I procrastinate watching some content.
I´m anxious: I procrastinate getting busy.

The list can go on forever, but that´s the idea:


Many times we are not aware of the truth of our behavior and just keep on acting out this negativism, allowing destruction to invade and expand on the different areas of our lives, even into other people´s.


We cannot be harsh with ourselves either; these behaviors are product of a previously stablished brain connection, they were generated at some point of our life by our brains to cope, to survive certain threat we were experiencing. How fascinating, right?


We are all survivors, generation after generation, we have raised to the challenges of what living in the present world may mean and, overcame.


As we advance, we need to shed those behaviors that, although were useful to hold us at a period of our life, are now detrimental to our progress. Are now heavy loads, oppressing us harder and harder all the way to a bottomless pit:


They start leaving us with an accumulation of overweight, of dissatisfaction, of conflicts, of overdue tasks, more stress, more anxiety, more laziness, more health issues, fear, loneliness, pride, insecurities, confusion and so on.


Oh, I am honestly not ashamed to say I´ve been exposed to, at least, all of the above.


And, I ask again:


What am I operating right now?


 


I´ll be honest here, the only way I can personally guarantee, saves from the root of all the bondages of destructive behavior patterns is getting close to the love of God.


The reason for that is that He is Love, it is his nature to love. He keeps bringing opportunities to scape bad situations, opportunities to grow, to see all the colors that are waiting inside us to be displayed.


He is so good in every way, that by trusting our lives to him, we allow his goodness to operate for us.

He does the work of removing everything that keeps us from experiencing HIM, LOVE, true love.


This is me, minutes before getting baptized (heart emoji).















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